The chicken saw the perfect kernel of corn. It was so perfect, she could not eat it.
It was impeckable.

Tony: Fern sperm cells battle to fertilize themselves and one another.
Leno: yeah, that’s they call them gameto-fights! (gametophytes)

Q: Why should you avoid getting safranin on the counter tops?
A: Because it is a counter stain.

Q. What vegetable is super awesome… kind of?
A. A Rad-ish

Q. What’s the worst hiding place in a hospital?
A. The ICU.

Q. What’s the difference between the calls of birds traveling from breeding ground to wintering grounds and the sounds you make while singing?
A. One is migrating noise, the other is your grating noise! Hahaha.

Leno: When the end of the world comes, I’m gonna be dancing!
Friend: what?
Leno: ApoCalypso.

Leno: Remember shredded cheese will no longer be available in stores after January 20, 2016. Get it now.
Friend: What?
Leno: yeah. They’re gonna make America grate again!

Q: do you know why SCUBA divers hold their masks and roll backward off the boat into the water?
A: Because if they roll forward, they will land in the boat.

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don’t know the words.

Q: Are you a Geologist? because, you Rock!

Q: Leno, do you have any special powers?
A: My sister’s daughters can move things with their minds, so I guess I have Teleki nieces. 🙂

Q: Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack!

Q: Who coined the word “innuendo?”
A: Shakespeare, when he had Romeo yell, “Hey, Juliet! Here I come innuendo.”

Q: Why do they always put cliffs on the map but not cliff faces?
A: Because they are always overlooked!

Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame bird?
A: The tame way, unique up on it!

Q. What’s invisible and smells of worms?
A. A sparrow’s fart!

One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK (book); so the librarian gave the chicken a book. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave the bird two books. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so this time the librarian gave it three books. However the curiosity of the librarian was now aroused and so followed the chicken to see what such a bird wanted with three books. As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond, he saw the chicken pass all three books to a frog, who, while he was looking at them was saying, REDDIT, REDDIT, REDDIT.

Tell me something I don’t know:

A: Rats eat their poop the first time it comes out. It’s called refection
A: Chunky peanut butter, chocolate syrup and saran wrap can be used to make fake poop.
A: Coconut trees are invasive species. Humans are the only thing holding them in check.





Pranks from the dark corners of my mind

Car door filling:
take a spoonful of peanut butter and stuff it under the handle of the victim’s car door. wipe it clean so it cannot be seen while approaching the door. * can also work in a small amount under doorknobs.