So I am inherently the type of person who wants to do something important, and I want my work to be the best I can make. I do take into account time constraints and available materials etc. but I still push myself to do more or better than before or than expected.
This means I have a hard time letting the work go before I think it is ready.
Now on top of all of that, I was told a few years ago by a person in power, that I was not seen as a successful student by a committee of people in power. People who were judging me. Who I continue to imagine are judging me.
In the end, this criticism lead me to the brink. I almost quit my degree and left the university. I almost settled into defeat and let that single criticism take me down.
Today I am working on the final chapter of my dissertation and the nagging voice inside me had me check my work and review it. I noticed some of my results were very interesting and I went back to check the code. There was a filter in some copied code that I used throughout the script, which meant I was drawing incorrect conclusions.
I am now re-running a suite of code chunks to generate new images I have to interpret all over again.
Every time I experience a setback like this I hear the voices that have judged me in the past and found me unworthy. and those voices are loud! But I also continue to hear the voices of friends, family and colleagues who encourage me and tell me I can do it.
Tonight will be a long night, but I want to share with you that criticism is not all bad, it does make me second guess myself sometimes, but it also makes me check my work.
Take the criticism, but don’t let it take you down.
Every student needs someone who says, simply, "You mean something. You count." -Tony Kushner, playwright (b. 16 Jul 1956)